“Honestly, I don’t think Jesus was against beer or alcohol. But I definitely think he would have a problem with Natty.” -My beau

For those teens anxiously anticipating your first orientation day that will kickstart your college freshman year, “Natty” is short for “Natural Light.” This is also referred to as “World’s Grossest Beer,” “Why, why, why are you drinking that,” and “Ew, I would rather save up money for a single, decent beer than drink this urine water.”

This information shouldn’t be helpful to you because you are, after all, eighteen years old, but it does help to know the vocabulary before your blogger drops some knowledge right in your face.

Not an endorsement. Ew, I just gagged.

College

…Doesn’t have to revolve around someone else’s expectations. You get to make the call about what kind of college life you want to lead and which choices you want to make.

The other day my beau and I went out for a night on the town and had a great time meeting friendly people. We’re more the sit-around-a-fire-pit-and-chat type, but we enjoyed meeting new people and hanging out with our friends.

Our 21+ selves chose to imbibe moderately, but the only beer (yumm) available was a selection of low quality, light beers (ew).

We don’t drink much anyway, so the cheaper selection didn’t influence anything but our sour faces after the first sip.

Someone once told me that Bud Light was the leftover, reject beer produced after Budweiser cans the top crop. Fellow readers, this is why Jesus would “have a problem with Natty.”

These low quality, “low calorie” beers that we see exclusively at college and young adult parties are made available only for their alcohol content (albeit low) and cheaper price. No one enjoys their taste. Their light flavor allows the drinker to fit a few extra cans into their belly, unlike a high-quality, deliciously caloric beer.

The lower alcohol content balances out the light calories because one who drinks to get drunk has to pound down more to feel the buzz and beyond. Youngins tend to pour this into their system as a means to an end, with drunkenness or buzz in sight.

What would Jesus do? First of all, He would obey His parents and wait until Caesar’s law and his drinking age matched up. Secondly, he would make water into good wine and leave the case of cheap beer in the corner.

Almost as awkward as a flock of Segways.

To the eighteen-year-old soon-to-be freshmen out there: don’t fool yourself into believing that the only “college” experience is at a party. More than likely, there will only be Natty (which you really aren’t old enough to drink anyway, but why would you want to) and a bunch of people standing around awkwardly (or belligerently), grasping for someone to stand with.

To the older college students: hopefully you’ve discovered how boring most of those parties can be. I’ll go so far to say that they’re boring unless you drink to get drunk, even then, you’re just too drunk to notice that you’re talking with a complete stranger about an “Animal House” poster on the wall. (Let it be known, I will watch “Animal House” any day of the week.)

To my younger self: I know you used to pretend you enjoyed those parties and you drank with the intention of getting drunk. Later you’ll learn that college isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation. You aren’t missing out on anything by listening to your true self and going to a movie with your friends instead of “going out.” There are far more fulfilling ways to spend your college career.

Plus, I want you to learn the fine taste of a good beer without having to drink the flavored eau de toilette that is Natty once you hit your twenty-first birthday.

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